sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize