You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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