why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
