I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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