I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
