shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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