i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
