the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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