All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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