my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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