I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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