I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
