does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
