your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
