I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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