Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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