I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
