I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
