I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
