Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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