I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
