I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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