we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
