Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
