I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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