did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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