Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
