Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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