she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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