You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wish you could order shots online.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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