dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
