matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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