Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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