she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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