I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
