worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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