saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
