just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
