I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
