Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
