I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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