new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
