you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He? As in you personified your dick?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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