the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
