Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
