I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
