Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
