Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
