how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
