Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
