I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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