I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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