Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
no you cant smoke seaweed
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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