Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
