I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
