i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
